NEW STAR TREK MOVIE?

Stardate 2009: you must be kidding. A new Star Trek movie? C'mon now! There is only one Star Trek--and it was filled with rubber-headed monsters and space hippies and terrible wooden dialog. The Shat read his lines like a Shakespearean ham performing Lear at the community theater. All he needed were a few cloves stuck in his cheeks and a nice honey glaze. I'm not a loyal Trekkie by any means, but that's the Trek I know and love--kid stuff for kids--not these high-tech, CGI-fueled mini-operas and morality tales. Give me the original, anyday--replete with cheap special effects--and we can have a laugh over beer and Cool Ranch Doritos.

The original Captain Kirk battles a rubber-headed monster on the Planet of Cheap Special Effects.

The old crew before the franchise went into warp.

The new movie? I heard it was great. Haven't seen it. They've updated the story for modern day viewers, which sounds weird to me. Anyway, the Enterprise is caught in a downwardly spiraling economy and a Romulan efficiency expert is beamed aboard to clear things up. After a devastating flurry of buzzwords, the e.e. lays off most of the crew and outsources their jobs to a slave planet. The film ends with the "enterprising" crew searching the far reaches of the galaxy for work.


The original series didn't shy away from social comment: space hippies on "The Way to Eden."