Tuesday, December 22, 2009


Dear [insert name here],

Just thinking of you! I can't believe it's Christmas again. Let's catch up soon [do not specify]. As you may have heard, we are [ extremely happy; separating; seeing other people; fabulously wealthy after the Bail-out]. Our [ kids or pets] are [doing well in school; honor students; Eagle Scouts; off the heroin; finally house-trained]. We hope you get a chance to see them [this year; before they move away for good; when they get out of jail; when they are semi-conscious; to teach them some manners] and tell them [Merry Christmas!; Happy Hanuka !; Listen to your parents!] in person as you look into their [twinkling; bloodshot; dilated] eyes, and see [how much better they are than your kids; what we've had to put up with all these years].

The Christmas tree is up and the house is decorated, and as usual we're full of [holiday cheer; peppermint schnapps; bullshit]. As you can imagine, [insert name] has been busy [baking cookies; making fruitcake; Christmas shopping; guzzling Monarch vodka; putting tinsel on the wrong way]. I have been looking forward to [having the whole family together; singing carols; indulging in maudlin nostalgia; calling up old girlfriends] because the holiday really isn't about [gifts; money; covering the outside faucets; obscene displays of our wealth] at all, it's really about [love; peace; getting things; drinking heavily; overeating; relapsing].

We've had quite a year [insert gloating] but we were sorry to hear about your [loss; misfortune; bankruptcy; prison term; selfishness] and we'll be thinking of you [once in a blue moon; when we need a good laugh; when you drink and dial our number] so please enjoy [the holidays; rehab; your divorce; all the money you still owe us].

It's a wonderful time of the year, but let's remember that on this day long ago [Jesus was born; I weighed half this much; the oyster stuffing made everyone deathly ill; your obnoxious boyfriend had his third turkey dinner in one day; the liquor store was closed] because those kinds of warm golden memories will make you [wet the bed; experience the joys of Christmas; become a sentimental old fool] and isn't that what it's all about? Here's wishing you and yours a happy holiday!

With Love,

[insert name]

One Christmas morning long ago, Little Bobby Rini found a brand new electric train in a figure eight around the tree. Good job, Santa!

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