BOB DYLAN IS SECRET SANTA

I know it's early but I had to let you know. Dylan is coming out with a Christmas album. Sounds crazy, but here is a sneak preview. The arrangements are old-fashioned and the Andrews Sisters are singing backup vocals--it sounds like it, anyway, though that's probably not possible unless this is some kind of Christmas miracle. And maybe it is. It's like tuning in that old magical radio in The Twilight Zone. It sounds like we're picking up radiowaves that have been bouncing around outer space for years.


Bob Dylan, the greatest songwriter of his generation and possibly all time, loves oldtime music. His work has always been influenced by the past, his recent albums have been heavily indebted to traditional music, and every week he unearths gold nuggets of country, blues, folk, and tin pan alley on his radio show. For years, I've collected Christmas music for holiday mixtapes, and Dylan has done the same here. That's the spirit to take this album--not as anything profound or visionary, not as the next "Visions of Johanna" or "Things Have Changed," but as a stocking stuffer from Secret Santa. It may fill you with cheer, or make you laugh your ass off-- maybe a little of both. At times, it sounds like Howlin' Wolf singing with Bing Crosby's band at the Hotel Astor--but that's kind of cool. Just kick your shoes off, pull up an egg nog, and turn on that old, weird, magical radio.



Where will the money go? To help the UK homeless. Bob Dylan commented, “That the problem of hunger is ultimately solvable means we must each do what we can to help feed those who are suffering and support efforts to find long-term solutions. I’m honoured to partner with the World Food Programme and Crisis in their fight against hunger and homelessness.” More on the story here.

THE FROST/NIXON INTERVIEWS

Up until very recently, Richard Milhous Nixon was probably the worst president in U.S. history. Before Nixon, you could have argued that Indian killer Jackson was our worst, but then Tricky Dick came waltzing up with a sweating upper lip and a brain squirming with Cold War paranoia and red-baiting anti-communist fear, with secret wiretappings and enemies' lists, with an escalation of the Vietnam war and the secret Christmas bombings of Cambodia, with the crimes of Watergate and the Kent State killings, with the CIA overthrow of Chile's elected government...and plenty more.


This ambitious, vindictive, petty crook from Yorba Linda went far--to the very top--and he nearly took the country down with him when he fell. Later, Republicans canonized him, rewriting history with a zeal that would have made Soviet revisionists seem like slackers. Fitzgerald said there are no second acts in American lives, but Fitzgerald was wrong in this case. In later years, after memory of his crimes had receded, Nixon playing the role of a respected elder statesman, bringing to mind the line from "Chinatown" spoken by the incestuous tycoon Noah Cross:

"'Course I'm respectable. I'm old. Politicians, ugly buildings, and whores all get respectable if they last long enough."

Two years after his resignation, Nixon was interviewed by British television journalist David Frost. These historic interviews are the subject of a recent film, "Frost/Nixon" (2008). Here are the original interviews.

Old school politics: Richard Nixon and Prescott Bush--two bastards in better days


For extra credit, click button to hear "Richard Nixon Died Today" by Negativland:

YE OLDE CHRISTMAS CARDS

Here are some vintage Christmas cards and some Christmas songs from the Nine Pound Hammer holiday jukebox. No need for a nickle, just push the tiny buttons by the titles and drift down memory lane. If you're tired of the same old Christmas carols these might surprise you.



"Everywhere it's Christmas!" by the Beatles. Ever year, the Fab Four sent a holiday flexi-disc to fan club members, and this one comes from 1966. It was a magical time. The lads had just settled down for a long winter nap between "Revolver" and "Sgt. Peppers." In this flexi there are songs, sketches, and a little musique concrete that was not quite as crazy as "Revolution #9," still two years down the road, but heading in that direction. The boys sound a little nutty, but we can hardly blame them. Visions of sugarplums were dancing in their heads.



"Merry Christmas, Baby" by Otis Redding. A rocking soulful holiday song that reached number 9 on the pop charts in 1968, a year after he died in a plane crash. Otis was the Soulful Santa. Too bad he didn't stick around a few more holidays. His voice was amazing, as sweet and grainy as a Christmas pear. Gotta love Otis.




"Kung Fu Christmas" by Del Griffith and the 9 LB Hammer Singers. Long-rumored to exist, but missing for years, this holy grail of holiday blaxploitation soundtracks sparkles like a chop-socky Christmas across 110th Street, where Trouble Man meets the Magic Rat for an egg nog between choreographed fight scenes. They say this cat Santa is a bad mother--shut your mouth! But I'm talking 'bout Santa!



"Listening to Otis Redding at Home During Christmas" by Okkervil River. This indie rock band from Austin, Texas, takes its name from a short story by Russian author Tatyana Tolstaya. These cats have opened for plenty of big names, and performed as the backing band for psychedelic pioneer Roky Erikson at the Austin Music Awards. They, too, dig Otis. Got to.




"Candy Cane Children (Merry Christmas from the White Stripes)." Jack White and his ex-wife Meg give a bluesy peppermint shout-out to all the children in the world. They've been wearing Christmas colors every day of their lives, and they play like they mean it.



"Silent Night/Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis" by Tom Waits. What can you say about Thomas Alan Waits that hasn't already been said about a million drifters and hobos who have won Grammys? He's a ramshackle growler with a heart of gold, and a brilliant songwriter to boot, though you might miss it if you judge books by their covers. Not your typical Christmas card.



"Linus and Lucy" from Charlie Brown Christmas by Vince Guaraldi. Childhood memories. Guaraldi wrote the soundtrack and performed it with his trio, which included bassist Fred Marshall and drummer Jerry Granelli. The Peanuts gang dances to this jaunty number--and that includes Snoopy. I had a mean crush on that little dancing girl, you know the one dancing by Pig Pen. This song makes me want to learn to play the piano.



"Christmas Eve Can Kill You" by the Everly Brothers. The most mournful, tragic, dark, and melancholy Christmas song I can think of, Don and Phil pulled out all the stops in this holiday weeper. Pour a tumbler of Scotch and watch your winter wonderland melt like cheap ice cream.

A CHRISTMAS STORY

Francis Albert Sinatra and Bing Crosby enjoy a leisurely Christmas special in an imaginary cabin in the woods. Sinatra and der Bingle are forever associated with the so-called "Greatest Generation," and rightly so, but they remind me of my folks--especially Sinatra--even though my parents are younger than that generation. Sinatra was a tough Italian American from Jersey--my dad is the same, but from Brooklyn--and my mother grew up Italian American in Aberdeen, Washington. Sinatra was the first big Italian American pop star who refused to "Americanize" his name. "You want the Voice?" he famously told a producer, "You keep the name!" This was unheard of at the time.

Mom (second from left) and her sisters Gloria, Anita, Pearl, and Angelina

These old clips also remind me of Mom's family--especially her brothers, my uncles Vic, Joe, and Father Tony--who were older than Mom, and would gather for Christmas at Grandma's house. They were old guys with big pants and firm handshakes. The lights were twinkling, the tree was up, and sometimes they'd tease us, and tell us they heard Santa Claus on the roof, and we'd run outside. Mom was from a big family, and she also had four sisters, shown above.

Mom also had another brother, Albert, a fighter pilot who flew a P-38 and was shot down by the Germans in late November of 1943. Grandma didn't want to celebrate Christmas that year, but Mom and a friend went out looking for a tree to raise the family spirits. They searched for a Christmas tree but didn't have enough money to buy one. They were ready to turn back, but a soldier recognized them. "That's Albert's sister," he said. He knew Albert had been killed, so he bought a Christmas tree and helped the girls bring it home. Mom still gets choked up when she tells the story.

Of course, this post barely scratches the surface--the story deserves a much bigger telling. Still, this is one of my favorite Christmas stories.

A TERDUCKEN CHRISTMAS

And what rough beast, its hour come round at last, slouches towards Bethlehem to be born? It's probably a "turducken."

You may have heard of turducken, an unholy bastard mutation bred on the Island of Dr. Moreau and now gaining popularity as the centerpiece of the Christmas dinner. Setting aside tradition and Mother Nature, more and more harried cooks are turning toward animal husbandry and black magic to satisfy this unnatural craving and to save time in the kitchen this holiday season.

Paul Prudhomme: playing God?

Reports that Cajun-creole fusion chef Paul Prudhomme first created this mutant beast in a cellar in the Deep South are only partly true. Actually, his sous chef shot the creature as it lunged for his throat during a hike in the bayou. The sous chef died, but the creature was nursed back to health and fed table scraps in a cellar until it was strong enough to breed a legion of turducken. Since then, turducken have spread from the Deep South like nutria. Maybe one will cross your path this Christmas.

If so, here's the Dean of Southern Chefs, Paula Deen, tackling the unnatural beast:

HAVE AN ELVIS CHRISTMAS

Elvis Arron Presley, also known as Saint Nicholas, Father Christmas, Kris Kringle, or simply "Elvis," is the legendary and mythical figure who brings the gift of rock 'n' roll to good children on Christmas Eve, December 24th. In olden times he wore rockabilly robes, and later on was fat and jolly and wore a white jumpsuit with a huge white cape. Skeptical kids wondered how the late period, Vegas Elvis ever made it down the chimney, but Elvis was magical. He certainly was in this clip from the 1968 Comeback Special.

After years of making Hollywood movies (and being outshined by British longhairs) Elvis surprised everyone by showing up lean and mean, dipped in black leather, and rocking the house. He sang a couple Christmas songs for kids who still believed.


"Santa Claus is Back in Town/ Blue Christmas"
Elvis Presley, 1968 Comeback Special


"Santa, Bring My Baby Back To Me" by Elvis Presley. Click button:


"Merry Christmas Baby" (alternate take) by Elvis. Click button:

WALKING HOME

A snow storm--the worst in years--covers the entire Northwest with ice and snow. The buses are running on "snow schedule," which means they are erratic and infrequent and don't climb the hills (dress warmly, warns the travel advisory). Tonight, after work, the bus dropped me off a couple miles from home and I had to trudge through the snowstorm up those hills. The temperature was in the teens. Snowflakes tumbled down. The path was icy and tricky. Once I left the main road the snow stopped falling and it was quiet except for the crunch and squeak of my boots. It was eerily beautiful. It was Dr. Zhivago all over again. At one point, I thought I saw Julie Christie in a fur ushanka cap but then I realized I was only freezing to death so I picked up my pace.

It had started snowing again. I watched sleepily the flakes, silver and dark, falling obliquely against the lamplight. The time had come for me to climb the steep hill where I live. Yes, the newspapers were right: snow was general all over the Northwest. It was falling on every part of the dark central plain, on the lakes, on the treeless hills, falling softly upon Ballard, and Fremont, and Queen Anne, and the University District, and, farther westward, softly falling into the dark mutinous hills where I lived. It was falling, too, upon every part of the lonely churchyard on the hill where the old robber barons lay buried. It lay thickly drifted on the crooked crosses and headstones, on the spears of the little gate, on the barren thorns. My soul swooned slowly as I heard the snow falling faintly through the universe and faintly falling, like the descent of their last end, upon all the living and the dead.

with apologies to jams jarce

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THE BUSH FAMILY

This is what you've been waiting for: the official White House Christmas video--the very last video starring Barney the dog. Who says Bush hasn't been busy lately? The man is a dynamo. And not a half bad actor. (In fact, I suggest he quit his day job immediately).

So pull up a chair, and enjoy the holiday with the Bush Family. I suspect Barney's dream sequence has been doctored by subversives, but the film would be unwatchable without a little tampering. Even so, the warmth and blandness of the First Family shines through, and I guarantee your Christmas spirit will flare up like treacle in a cavity.

Can we go now?

HIGH ON CHRISTMAS

Willie Nelson is a wise man--maybe not one of the original three, but wise nonetheless--and here he sings of bringing a special gift to the Magi, a gift that smokes more sweetly than either frankincense or myrrh. This is a sneak preview from "A Colbert Christmas."

WHAT'S SO FUNNY 'BOUT PEACE, LOVE & UNDERSTANDING?

The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

A Colbert Christmas: Peace, Love and Understanding

Colbert at Christmas
Colbert Christmas DVD

Green Screen
Bill O'Reilly Interview

Here's a sneak peek at Stephen Colbert's upcoming Christmas special. Andy Williams, eat your heart out. In this clip, Stephen and a friendly bear ask the musical question, "What's So Funny 'Bout Peace, Love and Understanding?"

Isn't that nice? The man in the bear suit, Elvis Costello, originally tossed off the song as a B-side, but it became a hit so he hastily slapped it onto the U.S. edition of Armed Forces. People think he wrote it, but the song was actually written by Nick Lowe, the British pub-rocker, New Waver, and all around nice guy. Good job, guys.

And what a good question!



Declan McManus, otherwise known as Elvis Costello, the man in the bear suit

Here Elvis Costello plays guest host and sings a rocking "Peace, Love and Understanding" for a whole new generation.

HAPPY BOXING DAY!

Boxing Day is celebrated in Britain, Canada, and Australia the day after Christmas. The holiday goes back to the Medieval times, and consists of giving gifts to employees, the poor, or to people in the lower social classes. Contrary to popular opinion, it has nothing to do with leftover boxes, or the sport of boxing.

Therefore, this classic boxing clip has nothing to do with Boxing Day. Still, I couldn't resist posting it. You may argue about the greatest boxers of all time -- Muhammad Ali, Joe Louis, Jack Johnson, Rocky Marciano, Larry Holmes...but this is my all-time favorite pugilistic artist.

SANTA CLAUS IS COMING!

It's Christmas Eve! He's on his way, kids! There is plenty of rough territory ahead, but if you set out your snack and drink tonight Santa will come while you're asleep.

CREEPY SURREAL MONKEY CHRISTMAS STORY

Something unusual here. I don't know what to make of this. These poor little kids talk to a creepy Santa Claus about a creepy monkey Christmas. It really freaks me out a little, like mixing the Night Before Christmas with David Lynch's Eraserhead. There is a monkey Santa Claus, too, and a battle between good monkeys and bad monkeys. Please pray there is really no monkey Christmas, and that the horrible people behind this "film" got a lump of coal in their stocking.

SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN

I got an email from Springsteen today wishing us all a Merry Christmas. He's really a decent guy, no superstar BS. Back in the Stone Pony days, back before the stadium shows when Bruce still had skinny arms, these guys were a tough bar band that could play anything. Back then, no holiday season was complete without a Christmas carol from the E Street Band.

BEATLES ON HOLIDAY

Here's a great clip from the Beatles' movie "Help!" They look like they had a lot of fun in the Swiss Alps trying to ski, but it wasn't just a holiday. These lads had a film to make!

THE ORIGINAL GENE AUTRY CHRISTMAS SHOW

He's back! And he's better than ever! Doublemint Gum and the Nine Pound Hammer are proud to present the famous singing cowboy Gene Autry! Please click the button for a special old fashioned radio Christmas show from Melody Ranch.

PERRY COMO'S CHESTERFIELDS CHRISTMAS

This commercial leaves an unpleasant aftertaste. Still, I like the idea of "expert, professional smokers." What kind of a job is that?
Look at Perry. He's looking mellow. I know this is an ad for Chesterfields, but I think he's been smoking some of that Mexican mistletoe.

BAD TASTE AWARD: DIESEL JEANS

Christmas commercials can be kind of cool -- nostalgic, sentimental, heartwarming. Take the Norelco Santa, for example. This commercial has none of that. Aiming for the darkly humorous, it fails to connect holiday joy with bloody trench warfare. Maybe I'm a little cranky. I admit, there may be a lighter side to getting gutshot Christmas Day in a rat-infested trench -- for a pair of designer jeans, no less -- but I remain unconvinced. Our Bad Taste Award goes to Diesel Jeans.

CHRISTMAS CARDS FROM DISNEY STUDIOS

Here are some nicely illustrated Christmas cards from Disney studio in the 1950s.

BAD SANTAS: CIVILIZATION AND ITS DISCONTENTS

While we're busy chronicling the collapse of Western Civilization, roving gangs of Santas are drinking, brawling, and committing acts of what they call "Santarchy." The movement is nationwide. I narrowly avoided a throng of these drinkers in cheap Santa suits this weekend, and while I was dutifully Christmas shopping they were dodging traffic, singing songs, and pub-crawling up and down the street. Is this for real? Is there really such a thing? Yes, Virginia, there is a Santarchy.

For more info on Santarchy, check this
http://santarchy.com/