WILLIAM SHATNER, RENAISSANCE MAN

William Shatner cannot be killed. He has nine lives. Not only is he an actor (Star Trek, Twilight Zone, T.J. Hooker, Boston Legal), a director (Star Trek the Movie), a writer (Star Trek books, with Judith and Garfield Reese-Stevens), and a pitchman and shill (countless commercials), he can also sing like a nightingale.

Well, not really. You could say The Shat is a "song stylist." His interpretations are so bad they're good--and then bad again. When he met Mr. Tambourine Man he didn't just ask for a song, he pistol-whipped the perp like T. J. Hooker on cranky pills.

Here Shatner performs the Pulp song "Common People" with the help of Joe Jackson and Ben Folds.

Of course, we can't resist re-posting his surreal "interpretation" of the Elton John classic "Rocket Man." This is cool. In fact, it's cold as hell.

Who said there are no second acts in American lives? That's right. Too bad Fitzgerald never met William Shatner.

NEWS FROM OUTER SPACE

Artist's simulation of Phoenix Mars Lander

Mars Lander Beams Back Video

Life on Mars? Maybe. The Phoenix Mars Lander has beamed back video of the Red Planet that has never been seen before. The data collected could have a tremendous impact on planning for future missions, NASA scientists say. Scientists remain uncertain about whether the new video represents first contact with a new alien life form or just a guy in a cheap rubber suit.

Artist's simulation of first contact with alien life forms on Mars

NOW APPEARING IN THE VELVEETA LOUNGE

This is bad. Very bad.

Wayne Newton, looking like the perennial ex-husband, slides through a cheesy Vegas version of the most pretentious, overwrought song in human history, MacArthur Park. This sweaty lounge lizard bears his soul like a bowl of queso fundido, but alas some songs are impossible to sing. These lyrics could kill a man.

MacArthur Park is melting in the dark
All the sweet, green icing flowing down...
Someone left the cake out in the rain
I don't think that I can take it
'cause it took so long to bake it
And I'll never have that recipe again
Oh, noooooooooooooooooo!

WILLIAM SHATNER, ROCKET MAN

There is no one who "interprets" a song like William Shatner. Friends tell me he's in on the joke, and the pompous, overwrought, pseudo-Shakespearean reading of lines is part of the gag, but I'm not so sure. Still, something fascinates us about the Shat. He's way out there, in his own universe.

This week the Dalai Lama visits the west coast, and Pope Benedict visits the east coast, so for a few golden days the country will be a holy man sandwich.

In such cosmic times, who else can we turn to for the galactic perspective, other than Captain Kirk himself? On a rocket, no less? Stuffed into a tuxedo, puffing a cigarette like an exhausted guest at a wedding reception, Shatner serves as a reminder that not all sentient beings have escaped human suffering or transcended the ego. He is the common man, weary, buffeted by fate, clinging against all odds to his delusions of grandeur. He is you and me. He is Shatner.