"I want you to step back from the guacamole dip," Bruce howled. "I want you to put the chicken fingers down and turn your television all the way up. And what I want to know is, is there anybody alive out there?"
So began an electrifying halftime performance by Bruce Springsteenand the E Street Band. The Boss played the Super Bowl for just twelve minutes, but there were no complaints. And no ballads. Just a rocking good time smack dab in the middle of a great Super Bowl.
Did you see the game? What about James Harrison’s 100-yard interception return? What about Arizona wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald? What about the calls? Do you think Kurt Warner’s fumble at the end of the game deserved another look? All I can say is, no nachos today.
A mash-up of inspirational speeches, in and out of the locker room
Part of football mythology is the inspirational locker room speech. You know the one, where the coach rallies the troops at halftime to win the game for God, Country and the Gipper. Here are a few good ones jammed together in two minutes.
The best inspirational speech of all time--at least my favorite--didn't echo in some locker room reeking of sweat and Phiso-Hex--in fact, it wasn't even given by a coach. The best inspirational speech was delivered far from the jockstraps and Jacuzzis and hampers of damp dirty towels in a wild green patch of Northern France just before the Battle of Agincourt, on Saint Crispin's Day in 1415.
Henry V (played by Kenneth Branagh) rouses his exhausted troops with the stirring St. Crispin's Day speech (touched up a bit by William Shakespeare), a speech that changed the course of the Hundred Years War, and successfully destroyed the French home team advantage.
Remember when Broadway Joe Namath guaranteed that his New York Jets would upset the favored Baltimore Colts in 1969? That was the third NFL-AFL Championship Game, but the first game to officially bear the title "Super Bowl." I was just a kid. Let's face it, football is kid stuff. This game is regarded as one of the biggest upsets in American sports history. Of course, Namath delivered on his promise.
Farah Fawcett creams Broadway Joe
If you're like me, the Super Bowl is more than just football. It's about snacks and commercials and possible costume malfunctions. Oh, and it's about good sportsmanship and team-building and sports drinks and pep pills and jocks with no necks and male bonding and cheerleaders and, of course, the sublimation of sex and violence and homoerotic butt-slapping and towel snapping. Just kidding, coach. Football is a metaphor for the American way of life. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. Now take a lap.
Yup, football sucks. Most of it, anyway. But these nachos sure look good. They are also a metaphor.
It's one thing playing a little touch football with friends--I have fond memories of catching a perfect spiral as a dog ran along behind me on an Oregon beach--feeling Kennedy-esque or something in sand and salty air --but that's a far cry from the zillion dollar business we watch today on our flatscreens. Maybe it's all about the Benjamens. That's money, dude. Now pony up.
Bobby Kennedy "going long" on the Oregon Coast
Commercial airtime costs a fortune at the Super Bowl. This year, Ivar's, a Seattle fish and chip joint, bought a half second commercial slot. That's right, a HALF SECOND. Couldn't they spring for a second? Nope. Too expensive. We looked into it.
We thought of buying time for the Nine Pound Hammer--to thank you for support, and to celebrate over 700 blog posts and an average daily readership of nearly 300 people. After checking the Super Bowl ad rates we realized all we could afford was a hundredth of a second. We were discouraged. Then we thought, what the hell! Brevity is the soul of wit, right? We'll make the best damn hundredth of a second ad in history! Would you like to see it? Would you like to see it again?
The best book on sports I've ever read was "Out of Their League" by Dave Meggyesy, an unsung football hero. Between 1963-69, he played linebacker for the St. Louis Cardinals and was All-Pro. He quit the NFL in 1969 at the height of his game, and wrote a scathing indictment that stunned Pete Rozelle into silence. The football bosses thought they could ignore Meggyesy, but the book had a huge impact on he way we think about football.
Here's an interview with Meggysey at the sports site "Edge of Sport," click here.
Money, it's a gas. Here are the top super bowl commercials from last year:
In this historic newsreel from the University of Notre Dame archives, legendary coach Knute Rockne prepares his players for battle. Since it's Super Bowl Sunday, and I happen to know that key players in today's game are probably reading this blog, I thought I'd run this clip. It's historical, inspirational, and maybe even a little silly, but shut up and listen to the coach. Give him your undivided attention, or you will be running laps for the rest of the day. Do I make myself clear?
The cheatsheetfor geeks: Knute Rockne is revered as a God in the football pantheon, with an incredible winning record as head coach at Notre Dame. He is considered the father of the forward pass. He introduced the "shift", with the backfield lining up in a T formation and then quickly shifting into a box formation to the left or right just as the ball was snapped, which remained a staple in the Notre Dame playbook for many years. Rockne died in a plane crash, March 31st, 1931. Pat O'Brien played him in the movie, Knute Rockne, All American (1940).
So tomorrow is Super Bowl Sunday. Get ready for the Pats/Giants game, with all the slow-mo instant replays of the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat -- sandwiched between extremely expensive beer commercials. Cool. And heart attacks; they seem to go up astronomically during the game, according to numerous news stories. Go easy on stress, and don't try those all-American scrimmages at home. Those guys are well-paid, highly-trained, steroid-enhanced, drug-filled professionals, and they're used to that kind of violence. Your wife is not -- or shouldn't be, anyway. Chill, dude. It's just a fricking game!
Perhaps unrelated to Super Coronaries, are Super Snacks. Owen, my research assistant, came across this statistic: If you took all the guacamole devoured on Super BowlSunday, and poured it on the football field it would be waist-high. That would certainly make the game more interesting, since it appears to be a Patriots blowout in the making. Actually, with all the computer enhancement, maybe they could simply reduce the patriots to three-quarter size, and have a fair fight. That would be cool. By the way, if you hate avocados, or think guacamole is too ethnic for your taste, any fried carbs will do, as long as you wash them down with sufficient quantities of beer. Here's a good sportsman's platter.
Of course, the commercials are where the money is. Corporations pay billions of dollars for spots on the Super Bowl broadcast, and unveil advertisements designed specifically for drunken sportsfans. Enjoy the game!
