A TERDUCKEN CHRISTMAS

And what rough beast, its hour come round at last, slouches towards Bethlehem to be born? It's probably a "turducken."

You may have heard of turducken, an unholy bastard mutation bred on the Island of Dr. Moreau and now gaining popularity as the centerpiece of the Christmas dinner. Setting aside tradition and Mother Nature, more and more harried cooks are turning toward animal husbandry and black magic to satisfy this unnatural craving and to save time in the kitchen this holiday season.

Paul Prudhomme: playing God?

Reports that Cajun-creole fusion chef Paul Prudhomme first created this mutant beast in a cellar in the Deep South are only partly true. Actually, his sous chef shot the creature as it lunged for his throat during a hike in the bayou. The sous chef died, but the creature was nursed back to health and fed table scraps in a cellar until it was strong enough to breed a legion of turducken. Since then, turducken have spread from the Deep South like nutria. Maybe one will cross your path this Christmas.

If so, here's the Dean of Southern Chefs, Paula Deen, tackling the unnatural beast:

TWO CHRISTMAS CAROLS

Here are two very different Christmas songs--in fact, they probably couldn't be more different. The first is a traditional English Christmas carol, The Holly and the Ivy. This old Yuletide carol is lightly Christianized paganism--holly and ivy being familiar Druidic ceremonial plants, though they have been used as Christmas decoration since at least the fifteenth century. This carol has been sung by choirs since the end of the medieval era, and it sounds like it. The beautiful harmonies of "The Holly and the Ivy" never fail to put me in the holiday spirits. How about you? Let's raise a flagon of mead to these sonorous lads.

The holly and the ivy when they are both full grown

Of all the trees that are in the wood, the holly bears the crown

Oh, the rising of the sun and the running of the deer

The playing of the merry organ, sweet singing in the choir

Bruce Springsteen goes in and out of style but he and the E Streeters are always guaranteed to raise a smile. Here, Bruce and the band (and about seventy-five best friends) rock a tune from the Phil Spector Christmas Album originally recorded by the great Darlene Love, "Christmas! (Baby Please Come Home)," one of the very best Christmas tunes anywhere. Here, the sacred and the profane don't just mingle, they make out under the mistletoe. About halfway through the song, the wheels come off and the whole thing veers toward the snowy ditch but the Boss grabs the wheel and saves everyone from disaster.

MOBSTER CHRISTMAS

Santa has been hanging with the mob these days, laying low. He gets a little jumpy when there's a sudden noise, or when it's especially quiet.

To hear some mob music from M.I.A., Mango Pickle Down River (featuring Wilcannia Mob) please click button

CREEPY SURREAL MONKEY CHRISTMAS STORY

Something unusual here. I don't know what to make of this. These poor little kids talk to a creepy Santa Claus about a creepy monkey Christmas. It really freaks me out a little, like mixing the Night Before Christmas with David Lynch's Eraserhead. There is a monkey Santa Claus, too, and a battle between good monkeys and bad monkeys. Please pray there is really no monkey Christmas, and that the horrible people behind this "film" got a lump of coal in their stocking.

CHRISTMAS CARD FROM A HOOKER

Here's beat barfly Tom Waits playing piano and performing "Christmas card from a Hooker in Minneapolis."

OLD SCHOOL CHRISTMAS

The classic 1987 Christmas video, "Christmas in Hollis" from Run DMC. Can you smell that good smell? Mama's cooking chicken and collard greens.

GRINCH CORNER: VINTAGE XMAS LIGHTS

Check it out. It's hard to find the old vintage Christmas lights -- those glorious fat bulbs of yore that once delineated childhood dreams. Unwieldy, hot, dangerous, whether nailed to the outside of the house or wrapped around those dry explosive pine boughs of the Christmas tree. For me, the new tiny pencil-tip white lights are a pale, unsatisfying imitation. Now they're digital, lazer, computerized, and come with optional gurgling liquid like minuscule lava lamps. They're a vast improvement technically, but they don't send me to Christmas Land like the old jumbo bulbs. The puny pin-lights twinkle proficiently, in a safe, businesslike manner, but back in the day it wasn't really Christmas unless you lit up a few fatties.

BAD TASTE AWARD: DIESEL JEANS

Christmas commercials can be kind of cool -- nostalgic, sentimental, heartwarming. Take the Norelco Santa, for example. This commercial has none of that. Aiming for the darkly humorous, it fails to connect holiday joy with bloody trench warfare. Maybe I'm a little cranky. I admit, there may be a lighter side to getting gutshot Christmas Day in a rat-infested trench -- for a pair of designer jeans, no less -- but I remain unconvinced. Our Bad Taste Award goes to Diesel Jeans.

CHRISTMAS CARDS FROM DISNEY STUDIOS

Here are some nicely illustrated Christmas cards from Disney studio in the 1950s.

THE CAPTAIN'S CHRISTMAS (1938)

We love old classic cartoons here, and this great MGM cartoon stars the Captain and the Kids, and features Santa Claus and a scary peg-legged pirate villain. What more could you ask for?

OK, so are these the Katzenjammer Kids? Good question. That strip was created by German immigrant Rudolph Dirks in 1887, in a Sunday supplement to a paper owned by William Randolph Hearst -- the mogul model for Welles' Citizen Kane. Next to the Yellow Kid, it's probably the second oldest comic strip in the world -- and it's still in syndication!

Dirks left the Hearst organization in 1914, after two years of legal battles, and started a new strip featuring the same characters called The Captain and the Kids. The two strips competed for years, until 1979, when The Captain and the Kids ended its sixty year run. At the end, it was being illustrated by Dirk's son John.

THE CHRISTMAS SONG

The great Nat King Cole.

COCA COLA SANTA

As a child, my concept of Santa Claus was the Santa in the Coca Cola ads. I wasn't the only one. Many talented artists tackled old Saint Nick over the years, from Thomas Nast to Norman Rockwell, but the modern conception was really created by Haddon Sundblom. Sundblom produced an annual Santa painting for the Coke company from 1931 through 1964. After centuries of gaunt Father Christmas and wizened saints in robes, Sundblom really nailed it.


Cheers to Haddon "Sunny" Sundblom (1899 - 1976), a great American illustrator.

SOVIET SPACE SANTA

Santa Claus trails behind Soviet space ship in this classic Russian Christmas card. He's made his list and checked it twice, and will now distribute toys to each according to his needs.